Meghan

You and me could write a bad romance.

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 07:52:11 GMT

I'm just totally blank. I cant remember ever being this torn up. I'm so sick of being crazy. I'm tired of not sleeping (not intended to be a pun, I was just typing), and all I want is to go back to normal. When did I go from totally disinterested to totally in love? Yes, I said it. I think I need to say it to accept it and move on. I'm truly making an effort. I just don't know how to get over it. It's hard seeing him every day and hanging out with him all the time. I'm just so emotionally attached that it's ridiculous. And it's not just me. He told me a few weeks ago that out of anyone in the world, I'm the one person he cant be without. So is that supposed to make me feel better? No. It doesn't. I just miss how we used to be. I could call him to come over just because I heard a noise. I guess I can still do that, but now I feel like he's annoyed by it, even though he'll never admit it. He keeps telling me that everything I'm doing is ok, but I know he's just humoring me. I'm really just at a loss for words.

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 04:51:49 GMT

You honestly disgust me. You don't even know half of the things that I know about yet. You picked the wrong heart to break. I don't play the game, I win. Hope you're ready...

Now you know why I'm begging you to stay...

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 19:55:28 GMT

I miss my sanity. I feel like I've cried more in the past few weeks than I have my whole life. He does something to me. Something I'm not used to. I've never been the type to say, "I love you." I guess my feelings are getting the best of me. I wish I could just lock them in a box somewhere and forget about them. But life isn't quite that simple. We're forced to deal with our problems. I'm not one to follow through with anything, but when emotions are involved, you can't hide. I know I'll get over it one day, but for now, it feels like I'm trying to walk to the horizon... no matter how far you hike, it's always the same distance away. He tries to make things better, and I would say that he's just making them worse, but I know they can't get worse. I've never met a person that can make me laugh and cry at the same time. It's a strange feeling. I feel more helpless than anything, I guess. I just feel like I can't handle my own emotions. They're out of control. I just wish there was something that would make me feel better. I've been like this for months. Nothing is working. I just need something soon. Anything.

A twist in my story

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 23:43:12 GMT

The idiocy of people just amazes me. Here's a rule: If your best friend finds out that one of her friends died, don't state everything you don't like about her and then make everyone pay attention to you while she sits alone downstairs. I really don't know if I can forgive and forget on this one. Is it too much to ask to have one night where no one pisses me off? All I needed was to be cheered up a little. I didn't think it was an over the top request. I'm just done taking bullshit. It's not always about you. Get the fuck over it. I've had way worse things happen to me in my life than you can ever imagine. So to conclude, fuck you.

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 18:09:58 GMT

My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you ' or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 01:52:22 GMT

No promotion for me. I think it's almost time to find a new job. After the holidays I'm all over that unless something changes.

On another note, I thought it would be easier to get over you. I was clearly very wrong. Even though you're away right now, I can't stop thinking about you. I hate this. I hate that we could never just be on the same page. Maybe one day we'll figure it out. Or maybe we won't. Someone told me a few weeks ago that I have to "stop wishing things were different and deal with how they actually are." So I'm trying to work on that.

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 05:49:02 GMT

Sometimes I can't believe how stupid I can be.

This Ruined Puzzle.............

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 10:11:26 GMT

It makes it easier knowing that a lot of the things he said to me were a lie. I'm totally done. It's 6:04am and I'm still awake thinking about it. Thinking about you. Time to stop. Time to move on. Time to once again realize that relationships aren't worth it. Back to where I started.

I know the truth and it mocks me.
I know the truth and it shocks me.
I learned it a little to late.

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 02:43:41 GMT

He changed. I don't like it. But it's hard to to totally walk away from this. Irony is a bitch, and I'm feeling the brunt of it. First I wasn't ready, then I was, then I wasn't, then I was, then he wasn't. Confusing. Too many boy troubles to handle...

Reflecting on last night...

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 17:02:05 GMT

I'm still mad. Not at the fact that you were upset, but the way that you handled it. Why would you ever try to ruin what him and I have? I haven't been this happy with someone in a long time, and I thought you would be happy for me. I understand that you like him, but I can't help how he feels, or how I do for that matter. I'm trying not to be a bitch, but seriously, get over it.

As for him and me, we talked and decided not to date yet. It's too hard with him so far away. It's just not the right time for us. It kills me because I haven't felt like this in so long, but I know that it wouldn't work out right now. We'll see how we do in the next few months and go from there. I get one more night with him before he leaves, so hopefully it will go better than last night. Although, the night ended up being good later... :) Anyways, I'm hoping to make the most of my last night with him since I probably won't see him for a few months.

I'm trying to figure out how to make things not so awkward. I don't think that will happen any time soon.

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 03:18:56 GMT

I thought my best friend would be happy for me, not try to steal him. thanks for reassuring me that I can't trust anyone. Fuck you.

Don't dream too far, don't lose sight of who you are. Don't remember that rush of joy...

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 01:51:00 GMT

Why was I scared? Because I didn't want it to turn out like last time. And it did. I'm heartbroken yet again. Don't even say, "I told you so"... I'm already telling myself. "Maybe someday down the line"... that's what you told me. Was that supposed to make me feel better? Maybe in two and a half years? That's a long time. Part of me wants to believe that it's true. That maybe in a few years it will work. But most of me knows that it won't. At least I don't have to wonder "what if" anymore. Moving on is the hardest part. I'm going to work at it slowly.

Tue, 16 Jun 2009 01:08:25 GMT

I'm so scared of this. But so excited. It's confusing. I'm scared that things will go down like last time. But it feels different now. Better. I really want this to work. Hopefully I'm not speaking too soon. Only 5 days until I get to figure everything out! I've been waiting for too long. Updates to come, I'm sure.

Stomach VS. Heart

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 02:02:08 GMT

He makes me smile every day :) Give it a few weeks...

Sat, 23 May 2009 00:01:36 GMT

I don't have to be alone. I choose to be. But maybe I'm done. Maybe I'm ready. Is it selfish to want to wait it out to see if a better opportunity arises?

whipser word of wisdom, "let it be."

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 02:48:00 GMT

I don't understand this. Make up your mind. I'm done waiting to see what you're going to decide. I think this is the part where I gracefully bow out. It's getting to be too hard for me.

Yes, todays gonna blow us away...

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 04:20:26 GMT

I was going to write that I thought about someone today. But that's a lie. I thought about several someones today. People that I haven't thought about in a while. The ones I wish were here. I talked to 2 of them. The last, well, let's just say that they're too involved to communicate with me. It mad me smile, though.

I heard our song and remembered how much I miss my best friend. Even if it was through a text message, I talked to you, something I clearly don't do enough. I should work on that.

Aaaaannnnd you. I miss talking to you all the time. I realize things between us got awkward there for a while, but I really wish that we could move past that. I always felt like I could tell you anything. Or just call you for no reason at all, like tonight. It was nice.

I'm clearly rambling. I should go to sleep. Work in the morning.

Night.

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 04:43:40 GMT

Wow. I don't know if I should feel stupid or happy. I'm very confused.

don't you love the desire taking hold of you? I can tell you do.

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 18:53:11 GMT

This is me smiling right now...

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

Maybe...

mistakes we knew we were making

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 21:08:51 GMT

I finally came clean. To think, all it took was a fifth of hundred proof SOCO and a few games of beer pong. But it's finally out. It wasn't as bad as I thought. More surprise that disappointment. Things are ok.

Now I just have to work on figuring out what's going on with you. She likes you. But I can't tell if you want what she does. If you do, you should probably stop spending so much time with me. I tried talking to your best friend, and even he didn't know what was going on. Maybe I should take a break from you? I say that, but we all know I'll see you just as much. I just don't want to look like a fool. I don't want you to decide to be with her while I'm still trying. That's not how I want to look. I guess I'll just lay low and let you call the shots. The sad thing is, you're not the kind of guy I want to date. You're kind of an asshole. But I like just hanging out with you for some reason. Like last week when we just laid around all day and watched and unsolved mysteries marathon. We barely talked. But it was comfortable. It was one of the best days I've had this year so far, and we didn't even do anything.

Wow. I'm just rambling. I'm going home for the night because I have tomorrow off. My mom misses me. Oh, also, My 21st birthday is in 2 weeks from today!!! :)

<3

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 21:37:06 GMT

My new car broke. I have the worst luck ever. Like, seriously. What the hell did I do to the world? All I'm saying is that karma better have my back in the future. That's all I can say to myself to get through.

But I'm getting better at fighting the future...

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 23:24:25 GMT

I got a car... finally! So that's good. I've also been finding fun ways to waste my time :) I feel like I'm hitting a calm. For once. But, we all know how that goes for me. We'll see.

Send it in a letter, make yourself feel better...

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 07:16:42 GMT

And it may take some time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right

So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring

What was it you wanted
Could it be I'm haunted

But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
The best I ever had

Yep. That's it. At least you finally told me. And people ask me why I'm scared of commitment. There it is, folks. There it is.

forgive me if I look so lonely, it's not that bad...

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 06:12:37 GMT

Well, I guess you made up your mind. Good luck with her. Just don't expect me to be here when she breaks your heart again. You had your chance with me, and you blew it. The sad thing is, I was content being single, but I was going to give that up for you. I was going to try. Oh well, your loss. I'll get over it. Just don't call me to tell me you miss me like last time. No. That's not okay. Not after this.

yeah...

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 23:33:13 GMT

The other night put things in perspective for me. I almost just told you everything like I've wanted to for the past month, but I couldn't. It became clear to me that it would hurt you more to know then to be oblivious. It sounds like I'm twisting it around because I don't want to tell you, but that's not it. I would love to tell you. I know you would forgive me. I also know that you would act fine in front of me, but cry yourself to sleep every night for a week. That's how you are. Just like me. You have to be strong. You can't let people know when you're upset. Why couldn't I be stronger like you this time? I've turned into everything I told myself I wouldn't be. I haven't told anyone, which is hard for me. I always tell someone, usually you. I guess I'm just scared that anyone I tell will be as disgusted with me as I am with myself. But I can't take it back. I hope that one day I'll be able to tell you the truth. Until then, I'll be here. Being the only one that knows. And the only one that is in agony over the situation.