Meghan

I'm just totally blank. I cant remember ever being this torn up. I'm so sick of being crazy. I'm tired of not sleeping (not intended to be a pun, I was just typing), and all I want is to go back to normal. When did I go from totally disinterested to totally in love? Yes, I said it. I think I need to say it to accept it and move on. I'm truly making an effort. I just don't know how to get over it. It's hard seeing him every day and hanging out with him all the time. I'm just so emotionally attached that it's ridiculous. And it's not just me. He told me a few weeks ago that out of anyone in the world, I'm the one person he cant be without. So is that supposed to make me feel better? No. It doesn't. I just miss how we used to be. I could call him to come over just because I heard a noise. I guess I can still do that, but now I feel like he's annoyed by it, even though he'll never admit it. He keeps telling me that everything I'm doing is ok, but I know he's just humoring me. I'm really just at a loss for words.

I miss my sanity. I feel like I've cried more in the past few weeks than I have my whole life. He does something to me. Something I'm not used to. I've never been the type to say, "I love you." I guess my feelings are getting the best of me. I wish I could just lock them in a box somewhere and forget about them. But life isn't quite that simple. We're forced to deal with our problems. I'm not one to follow through with anything, but when emotions are involved, you can't hide. I know I'll get over it one day, but for now, it feels like I'm trying to walk to the horizon... no matter how far you hike, it's always the same distance away. He tries to make things better, and I would say that he's just making them worse, but I know they can't get worse. I've never met a person that can make me laugh and cry at the same time. It's a strange feeling. I feel more helpless than anything, I guess. I just feel like I can't handle my own emotions. They're out of control. I just wish there was something that would make me feel better. I've been like this for months. Nothing is working. I just need something soon. Anything.

The idiocy of people just amazes me. Here's a rule: If your best friend finds out that one of her friends died, don't state everything you don't like about her and then make everyone pay attention to you while she sits alone downstairs. I really don't know if I can forgive and forget on this one. Is it too much to ask to have one night where no one pisses me off? All I needed was to be cheered up a little. I didn't think it was an over the top request. I'm just done taking bullshit. It's not always about you. Get the fuck over it. I've had way worse things happen to me in my life than you can ever imagine. So to conclude, fuck you.

I'm still mad. Not at the fact that you were upset, but the way that you handled it. Why would you ever try to ruin what him and I have? I haven't been this happy with someone in a long time, and I thought you would be happy for me. I understand that you like him, but I can't help how he feels, or how I do for that matter. I'm trying not to be a bitch, but seriously, get over it.

As for him and me, we talked and decided not to date yet. It's too hard with him so far away. It's just not the right time for us. It kills me because I haven't felt like this in so long, but I know that it wouldn't work out right now. We'll see how we do in the next few months and go from there. I get one more night with him before he leaves, so hopefully it will go better than last night. Although, the night ended up being good later... :) Anyways, I'm hoping to make the most of my last night with him since I probably won't see him for a few months.

I'm trying to figure out how to make things not so awkward. I don't think that will happen any time soon.

Why was I scared? Because I didn't want it to turn out like last time. And it did. I'm heartbroken yet again. Don't even say, "I told you so"... I'm already telling myself. "Maybe someday down the line"... that's what you told me. Was that supposed to make me feel better? Maybe in two and a half years? That's a long time. Part of me wants to believe that it's true. That maybe in a few years it will work. But most of me knows that it won't. At least I don't have to wonder "what if" anymore. Moving on is the hardest part. I'm going to work at it slowly.

I was going to write that I thought about someone today. But that's a lie. I thought about several someones today. People that I haven't thought about in a while. The ones I wish were here. I talked to 2 of them. The last, well, let's just say that they're too involved to communicate with me. It mad me smile, though.

I heard our song and remembered how much I miss my best friend. Even if it was through a text message, I talked to you, something I clearly don't do enough. I should work on that.

Aaaaannnnd you. I miss talking to you all the time. I realize things between us got awkward there for a while, but I really wish that we could move past that. I always felt like I could tell you anything. Or just call you for no reason at all, like tonight. It was nice.

I'm clearly rambling. I should go to sleep. Work in the morning.

Night.

I finally came clean. To think, all it took was a fifth of hundred proof SOCO and a few games of beer pong. But it's finally out. It wasn't as bad as I thought. More surprise that disappointment. Things are ok.

Now I just have to work on figuring out what's going on with you. She likes you. But I can't tell if you want what she does. If you do, you should probably stop spending so much time with me. I tried talking to your best friend, and even he didn't know what was going on. Maybe I should take a break from you? I say that, but we all know I'll see you just as much. I just don't want to look like a fool. I don't want you to decide to be with her while I'm still trying. That's not how I want to look. I guess I'll just lay low and let you call the shots. The sad thing is, you're not the kind of guy I want to date. You're kind of an asshole. But I like just hanging out with you for some reason. Like last week when we just laid around all day and watched and unsolved mysteries marathon. We barely talked. But it was comfortable. It was one of the best days I've had this year so far, and we didn't even do anything.

Wow. I'm just rambling. I'm going home for the night because I have tomorrow off. My mom misses me. Oh, also, My 21st birthday is in 2 weeks from today!!! :)

<3